Wow! What a week! That sure was seven days of stuff happening. So to catch you up, here’s all you need to know from the week from the news you can trust. We’ll make a lot of stuff up, but we’ll never lie to you.
- Omicron is spreading everywhere. This was worrying lots of people until they realized it’s still just COVID. Whew. I thought it was something worse.
- Many states are taking new measures to fight Omicron. California is mandating masks again, as maybe Omicron won’t infect anyone if it can’t recognize them. Smart!
- President Biden came to Kentucky to survey the tornado damage just for the novelty of seeing a huge disaster he wasn’t directly responsible for.
- Many are saying climate change was responsible for tornadoes, as tornadoes never existed until we started changing the climate. If it weren’t for the combustion engine, Dorothy’s house would never have been swept up in a huge tornado and the Wicked Witch of the East would still be alive (who was actually very nice; the “wicked” in her name referred to her skateboarding skills).
- Crime is on the rise in most major cities. Statistics show that 23% of people have a murderer standing behind them right now (but don’t turn around to check as they always murder you as soon as you look at them).
- Democrats are reacting to this trend by giving more money to the police. This is a complete reversal of their previous position of “give less money to the police.” Now with all that new money, police are able to fill socks with nickels to beat criminals with. We should hopefully see positive results soon.
- Why is crime on the rise? Most blame this kid Ray who says it’s fun to do crime and all the other kids listen to him because they think Ray is cool since he wears sunglasses. But Ray isn’t cool. Stop listening to him.
Build Back Better
- It looks like Biden has given up on passing Build Back Better this year. Without that money, we may instead build back worse, like installing new bridges upside down. Not good!
- Pundits say the reason Build Back Better hasn’t passed is Biden is a bad president who fails at everything and no one likes him. The main recommendation for him to get something done next year is to be someone else.
- Vice President Kamala Harris has extremely low approval ratings. People blame it on three things:
- She’s a bit wooden in front of audiences.
- She laughs at inappropriate times and her cackles feel like a cheese grater being rubbed against your brain.
- She sometimes grabs puppies out of the hands of children, chomps down on them, and sucks out their blood, which people find “off-putting.”
She can’t really do anything about the first two, so she’s going to try really hard not to do the third and see if that helps.
- China is up to something.
- The U.S. continues to hit record inflation. To try to put a positive spin on it, though, the Biden Administration is trying to get economic inflation added as an Olympic event. We should medal for sure, though there will be some tough competition from Venezuela for the gold.
- White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki says the inflation isn’t the Biden administration’s fault but because Big Meat got greedy and decided to raise prices. We have a leaked transcript from a meat company’s board meeting:
EXECUTIVE 1: “I have an idea: let’s raise prices.”
EXECUTIVE 2: “That’s a GREAT idea! Why did we never think of this before?”
Pretty damning stuff.
Sorry, I meant to say “danging.” That’s more Christian.
- Chris Wallace has left FOX News to join CNN+. Wallace is the key witness to a mob hit, so Witness Relocation moved him somewhere no one will find him.
- Elon Musk was named by Time Magazine as Person of the year. Musk was initially really excited for this, but then he found out there was no cash prize.
- There’s a new Spider-Man movie out, and it looks like a lot of fun as long as you don’t get stuck seated between Ridley Scott and Martin Scorsese who will just spend the whole movie yelling about how it’s a stupid “rollercoaster” and “not real cinema.” Ugh. Those guys.
- There are also a few non-Spider-Man movies released this weekend which will be great to go to if you don’t want to be around people. No chance of catching Omicron there.
- It’s December, so it probably snowed somewhere.
- Pfizer is working hard to get emergency approval for their new drug Paxlovid which has been shown to be effective at preventing hospitalization or death when taken by someone who has COVID-19. They even have a great slogan for it: “Our vaccine works. But when it doesn’t… Paxlovid.”
- The way things are going, we may be putting experimental Pfizer drugs in our bodies for the rest of our lives. It’s cool, though; it’s like filling yourself with pure science.
- God remained unchanged this week.
- Bad grammar. People don’t talk right, and it’s terrible. We at The Babylon Bee try to speak good — even if we often don’t succeed — but so many don’t even try these days. And who’s to blame? Yoda.
- Is it just me, or are squirrels getting bigger? Not like a lot bigger, but slightly bigger. Something to keep an eye on.
There, now you know everything about the week. Make sure to use this new knowledge to talk down to people.
What does it take to achieve world peace? This alien knows the secret! And these progressive will do anything to stop him.