LOS ANGELES—As a result of record inflation, local panhandlers are rejecting the majority of monetary donations, and are instead requiring donors to pony up a minimum of $100.
“Sorry, I only take the ‘Benjamins’ now,” said local homeless veteran Earl “Sluggo” McCormick from his designated street corner. “The city gave me a house, but I can’t begin to afford the taxes on it. And have you seen the price of food lately? A bowl of gruel is, like, $25 bucks now! And don’t get me started on the cost of my weekly therapy sessions!”
The Mayor’s Office of City Homelessness Initiatives (MOCHI) has enacted over 300 new initiatives to combat the growing problems of inequity among the homeless community, but inflation has thrown a wrench into the government’s carefully crafted benevolence.
“We may need a new office for more initiatives,” admitted an oddly cheerful Mayor Garcetti. “More offices and initiatives! Yay! Problem solved!”
Sources in the Los Angeles Police Department reveal that police officers are being called in as temporary money changers to ease tensions in the city. They accept donations of smaller denominations and exchange them for hundred-dollar bills before passing them on to the homeless. “It’s the only way to avoid being bitten,” said Captain Garrison.
When asked for a comment, local homeless man Francis Moleski stated, “Bargleroggle mcragal chrats!”
According to experts, the homeless will not be able to secure heroin if inflation continues to surge.
Are you a horrible person but on the right side of history? Santa is shocked to discover that’s all it takes to be on the nice list.