Southwest Introduces New Boarding Procedure Where Everyone Is Given A Melee Weapon And You Just Sort It Out Amongst Yourselves

DALLAS—Southwest Airlines has announced a new and exciting boarding procedure where passengers are given a deadly melee weapon and encouraged to sort it out themselves instead of bothering the flight crew.

“We are thrilled to introduce this fun new way to board a plane,” said a spokesperson for the airline. “Passengers will be offered a class of weapon based on their boarding group. ‘A’ gets bladed weapons like daggers and axes, ‘B’ gets long-reach weapons like bo-staffs and baseball bats, and group ‘C’ gets whatever is leftover—like brass knuckles or nunchucks, maybe a sharpened toothbrush if they’re lucky. EarlyBird flyers will be permitted to bring their own weapons, provided they can get through security. We want to reward passengers who are on time.”

A veteran captain of the airline, who asked to remain anonymous, praised the new policy saying, “I get so sick and tired of petty disputes being brought to my attention. The flight attendants do the best they can, but they aren’t equipped to deal with a bunch of whiny passengers!”

Passenger reception to the new Battle Royale Seating Program has been mixed, with some would-be passengers “fearing for their lives.” Others are just happy they don’t have to wear masks.

At publishing time, Southwest Airlines’ stock dropped 50 points.

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