It’s time to join together with loved ones and celebrate America’s newest holiday: January 6th! To make the most of your holiday, please consider these ten patriotic ways of remembering the day democracy almost, but didn’t quite, die.
1) Share your celebration plans with all your friends on Parler: Yes, Parler was shut down by the deep state, but it’s back and still the easiest way to coordinate with federal agents.
2) Gather the whole family around the TV to watch the big Macy’s Jan 6th Day Parade: This year the balloons are shaped like all your favorite insurrectionists! Yes, even Wacky Podium Guy!
3) Perform a historical reenactment of the violent, bloody battle by wandering slowly through your city hall, taking photos: The violent surge on our nation’s capital can easily be recreated by ages 3 and up. For added flair, open all gates and move barriers to the side in remembrance of the police officers who did exactly that.
4) Make sure to put out Tang and cookies for Trumpy Claus: He won’t leave a signed check on the podium you stole unless you do.
5) Hide fraudulent ballots around the house for the kids to find: A great home activity for your young ones. It’s never too early to sow doubt in the democratic system.
6) Dress up as a buffalo: Dress to impress! The buffalo is the noblest of creatures to be hunted. So majestic.
7) Gather the family around the fire to relisten to Trump’s speech ordering you to loot, kill, and destroy: Okay, so he explicitly said to be peaceful, but we know what he really meant.
8) Conduct readings of Pelosi’s written refusal of Trump’s request to have 10,000 National Guard on standby: There may be no record of this refusal, but imagining what it did say makes for a great party game. Your kids will love eating ice cream and pretending to be the House Speaker.
9) Surround your house with concertina wire and 25,000 national guardsmen for 9 months: If you want to be patriotic you’re going to have to leave those decorations up for the long haul. The razor wire will complement the Christmas lights you forgot to take down anyway.
10) Just go about your life like 99.9999999% of Trump supporters did last year: It’s what Trump would have wanted.
Remember, have a safe and fun January 6th, patriots! Stop the steal! USA! USA!
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