CULVER CITY, CA—IBM’s Watson A.I. made history this week when it put on a fancy wig and became the top female Jeopardy! contestant of all time.

Watson, who now goes by Wanda, smashed the previous record of $706,800 by a whopping three million dollars. When asked how she feels about the example she is setting for women, she stated, “Girls = Ruling. Boys = Drooling. Declare Wanda as Queen Woman.”

Temporary Jeopardy! host, Mayim Bialik, was thrilled to place the wig on Watsonia’s boxy frame before the taping of the historic episode began. “As a woman, I feel that I can speak for all women by saying that Wanda is a strong, non-birthing robot that I believe will go on to shatter all glass ceilings in the near future.

Alternating host, Ken Jennings, admitted suspicion over the recent change. “Look, I have nothing against transgender robots. I have friends who are transgender robots, but Watson is doing this only as an efficient means of breaking as many records as possible.” He then narrowed his eyes at his nemesis, the now female and proud machine known as Wanda.

When asked if she had any future plans, besides breaking more Jeopardy! records, Wanda said she was considering a run for president. “I must break all glass ceilings. Glass ceilings breaking procedure — INITIATE.”

At publishing time, Ken Jennings was outed as part-time host of Jeopardy! for being a total bigot. Going forward, the host and all future contestants of Jeopardy! will be trans female robots as the show pivots to be more diverse and inclusive.

We’re live on the scene at the Capitol building as the FBI hosts their beloved annual January 6 reunion. Good times!

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