WASHINGTON, D.C.—The latest jobs report offered bleak prospects for the economy’s growth, stating 4.2 million Americans had quit their jobs in December. However, a closer look at the statistics indicates 74% of those walking away from employment worked for Vice President Kamala Harris.

“There are reports of personnel issues occurring in the office of the Vice President,” said Press Secretary Jen Psaki, “And the Biden Administration can confirm that Kamala Harris has, in fact, contributed to over 3 million staff members quitting.”

“I lasted about 17 minutes in there,” said the Vice President’s former communications assistant, Clarke Goldswaithe, while nursing two burst eardrums. “The turnover in there is unimaginable. I was still in the parking lot when I saw my replacement dive out of the second-story window just to get out of there.”

Sources close to the Biden Administration have confirmed 37% of funding for the recent Infrastructure bill has gone toward constructing an 18-lane parkway circling the Vice President’s office, just to handle the traffic from newly-hired and newly-quitting staffers.

Kamala Harris could not be reached for comment, as no one dares reach her for comment.

We’re live on the scene at the Capitol building as the FBI hosts their beloved annual January 6 reunion. Good times!

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