WASHINGTON, D.C.—Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, one of the most powerful people in American politics, has been getting philosophical lately as she contemplates the difference between a human being and a malfunctioning toaster. The question first arose last week when she heard oral arguments for a national vaccine mandate, but in the days since, the question has consumed her.

“Like, seriously, what is the difference?” she said to her fellow justices. “Malfunctioning toasters that spew sparks don’t have human rights, so why should humans?” 

“I think…” said Justice Alito while stroking his chin, “it’s because human rights are only for humans. And humans are special somehow, but I forget why.”

“It’s like asking the difference between an ice-cold beer and a bottle of red wine,” added Justice Kavanaugh as he pounded a few brewskis. “The answer is in the question.”

Sotomayor has since buried her head in countless books in search of an answer. Her office confirms she’s been reading through ‘The Brave Little Toaster’ in search of answers.

“Is this me?” she allegedly asked, looking up from the book to stare at herself in a mirror.

Justice Sotomayor has also expressed concern over the apparent inequity between humans and toasters, calling it modern-day slavery.

We’re live on the scene at the Capitol building as the FBI hosts their beloved annual January 6 reunion. Good times!

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