WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden Administration has announced that it will be providing high-quality masks to the American people for free. Taking no chances, President Joe Biden has committed to personally ensuring each mask passes the sniff test.
“Look, here’s the deal: we can’t just hand out any old kind of mask. If we’re gonna stop omicold—I mean omicron, then we need high-quality N95 masks,” Biden said. “That’s why I’ve tested each and every mask making sure they’re strong enough to block covid, but still able to smell the things we all love most such as food, candles, and a woman’s hair.”
“Now I can still give the ladies a good ol’ sniff without having to worry about catching omicron,” Biden continued. “When you’re wearing one of these bad boys you don’t even have to keep 6ft apart, which is perfect for coming up behind a woman and sniffing her neck.”
At publishing time, the White House announced that they would be requiring double N95 masks in hopes of preventing Biden from going around sniffing everyone.
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he’s unvaccinated — which means he’s left out of all activities as he doesn’t have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.