U.S.—Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is climbing in the polls after promising that if elected to Congress, he will reveal a shocking secret for how to trim belly fat.
“Yes, if you elect me as your representative in the U.S. Senate, I will reveal the key to fat loss, kept hidden till now,” said Oz in a statement. “I have learned an ancient Chinese secret that will help all of you lose the winter fat and get your beach body without having to exercise or change your diet whatsoever!”
Early polling data shows that Pennsylvanians, many of whom are very overweight, are excited by the prospect.
According to sources, Dr. Oz, who is running as a Republican in Pennsylvania despite being a longtime New Jersey Democrat, has made the bold campaign promise in an attempt to distract voters from a history of controversial healthcare advice as well as the fact that he’s not really a conservative.
“He may not be a real Republican,” said local voter Johnathon Cinderdump, “But I really want to know the secret to trimming belly fat. He’s got my vote because I refuse to stop drinking beer and eating cheesecake every day.”
Only time will tell if the bold political strategy will pay off, but Dr. Oz is feeling confident because none of his opponents are pushing intriguing dietary solutions like he is. He has also promised that if he wins by at least 10 points, he will reveal a powerful new all-natural viagra alternative used by the Pharaohs of Egypt.
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he’s unvaccinated — which means he’s left out of all activities as he doesn’t have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.