SACRAMENTO, CA—According to sources, parents with kids enrolled in the public school system are now receiving a helpful e-mail each and every time a kid sneezes. School district offices throughout the state are reportedly backlogged with notices from terrified teachers about ‘sneeze events’ and have opted to pass this information onto parents in the interest of full transparency.

Governor Gavin Newsom has been working closely with school districts to ensure a safe environment for students. “Since no one watches the news anymore, it has become necessary to use the school system to communicate potential pandemic concerns. Sneezing is just one possible alert notification. Parents will also be notified of coughing, sniffles, and any mask slips,” he said at the grand opening of his new vineyard.

“We’ll also be sending a special packet to parents which tells them how to think so we can avoid any misinformation,” he added.

Reaction from parents has been mostly positive. “I’m impressed by the detail in the e-mails,” said Sarah Wallop, a mother of three children who attend Riverside Elementary. “I’m getting non-stop notifications about a student who wheezes like a donkey. They’re really on top of it!”

A father of two kids enrolled in LA River High School echoed these sentiments. “I’m beginning to see a correlation between illness and cramming a bunch of kids together in a tiny room. Double masking and giant glass cubicles don’t seem to help,” he said. “But they really seem to understand nothing they do works. It’s a refreshing level of transparency.”

Health officials confirmed that school districts will soon be adding additional email notifications every time a student is misgendered. 

Chris Smitherson has a problem: he’s unvaccinated — which means he’s left out of all activities as he doesn’t have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.

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