U.S.—The political and medical establishments throughout the world are sounding the alarm about the dangers of Joe Rogan, a comedian who gets high and talks about MMA and aliens.
“JOE ROGAN! HE MUST BE STOPPED!” said Dr. Fauci in a very calmly written open letter signed by dozens of PhDs in sociology and gender theory at UC Berkley. “HE’S PLATFORMING THE WRONG PEOPLE! UNFETTERED CONVERSATION! UNRESTRICTED! FREE SPEECH! HE’LL KILL US AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!”
The letter went on to call for Spotify to immediately censor Joe Rogan’s podcast and then banish him to Siberia.
Rogan responded by saying: “Aliens. What if aliens did DMT? Think about it, man!”
According to sources, Rogan habitually invites interesting people on his show and lets them speak uninterrupted for several hours about things like aliens, elk meat, DMT, fitness, and how Dr. Fauci is a major tool who looks a bit like a garden gnome. To make matters worse, he often does this without inviting a certified fact-checker from Snopes or CNN to interject in the conversation. According to experts, this makes Rogan an existential threat to democracy, science, public health, and the future of all mankind.
“STOP HIIIIMMMMMMMM!” Fauci went on to say in the letter. “HE’S MAKING PEOPLE QUESTION ME! HE’S MAKING PEOPLE QUESTION SCIEEENNNCCEEE!”
CNN has announced they have hired a dedicated team of fact-checkers to stand outside Rogan’s studio and bang drums while screaming at the top of their lungs to protect the public from all the misinformation.
Spotify execs responded to the loud and persistent calls for censorship by taking giant wads of Joe Rogan cash and stuffing it in their ear canals to drown out the noise.
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he’s unvaccinated — which means he’s left out of all activities as he doesn’t have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.