Microsoft just purchased Activision and wasted no time in unveiling a bunch of promising new upcoming titles. Here they are:

1. Minesweeper: Modern Warfare – An action-packed first-person mine defusing game. You’ll even get to play multiplayer, where 13-year-old kids will insult your mother for not defusing the mines quickly enough.

2. Tony Hawk’s Excel – Forget spreadsheets: it’s time for SHREDsheets! Basically just Excel with Tony Hawk instead of Clippy.

3. World of Warcraft: Wrath of Clippy – This exciting expansion has Clippy take over Azeroth, but he’s just a minor annoyance really. He’s no Lich King.

4. Bill Gates’ Divorce Simulator – Also basically just Excel.

5. Call of Duty: Forced Vaccination Squad – The next exciting COD game will have you playing as Bill Gates going door to door forcing people to take the vaccine.

6. Call of Duty: Forced Vaccination Squad 2023 Student Edition XP – Same thing but costs $99 more and has fewer features.

7. Candy Crash – Candy Crush but you know. It crashes.

8. Guitar Hero: Vista – All the exciting fun of Guitar Hero, but it loads slower, isn’t as good, and you know. It crashes. 

9. Diablo IV: Blue Screen Of Death – You must stop the forces of hell from unleashing blue screens of death across the world. And it crashes.

10. Crash Bandicoot: Epstein’s Island – Oh no! Crash is getting into more wacky hijinks breaking boxes and being just generally a radical dude on Epstein Island. You’d think this one would crash, but it’s surprisingly stable.

11. StarCraft: Space Cadet 3D Pinball – Microsoft is putting the StarCraft IP to good use with this reboot of a classic Windows game.

12. Zune Hero – Guitar Hero but now you can plug in your Zune to jam to your own tunes. Fun and convenient!

13. Call of Duty: Modern Solitaire – It’s just solitaire but when you lose you get inspiring quotes about war and blood pours down your screen.

14. Call of Duty: Modern Solitaire III: Revenge of Jeff Bezos – Same except the final boss is Jeff Bezos.

15. An untitled WarCraft game where you just have to keep restarting your computer to apply updates – We can’t wait for this one!

16. Spyro the Dragon Dies of COVID – This is more of an interactive edutainment story, but it has a powerful message.

17. A big-budget, $300-million, 4K reboot of Zork – Finally, something we’re interested in. Bring on more Zork!

You can’t make this stuff up!

Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns – so he’s a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.

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