NEW JERUSALEM—According to the Apostle John, the hotly anticipated wedding feast of the Lamb will be catered by the popular restaurant Chick-fil-A.

Guests are instructed to be prompt and dressed for the occasion. Late guests, or those wearing lame clothes, will be thrown into something called an “outer darkness” and, most importantly, won’t get any waffle fries. According to sources, their invitation will then be passed on to literally anyone who bothers to follow proper wedding etiquette.

“It’s an honor to be chosen to provide food for the great wedding feast of the Lamb,” said a Chick-fil-A spokesperson. “It’s a little hard to plan for because we haven’t been told the exact day or hour of the event, but we’ll be ready and waiting.”

“As long as it’s not on a Sunday,” they added.

In-N-Out will be catering the afterparty, while those in hell will be forced to eat Whataburger.

Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns – so he’s a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.

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