MEMPHIS, TN—Local man Quinton Parker went to a friend’s house Friday afternoon, ready to finally play a skill-based board game perfect for strategic masterminds like himself. Unfortunately, there was a problem with the game because upon his defeat the board game suddenly transformed into a game of random chance.
“I just don’t understand—all of my decisions were genius and masterful while I was winning,” said Quinton Parker. “But the moment I was defeated, I realized it was just a complicated coin toss, nothing more.”
His opponent said he thought he remembered making multiple in-game decisions that led to his success, but apparently it was “all luck” and “the winner was decided at the start.”
Quinton explained that despite planning ahead and making strategic, tactical troop placements and calculated risks, everyone might as well have been playing Candy Land the whole time, and no skill whatsoever was involved.
“This game is entirely based on luck,” he said. “We might as well have flipped a coin and called it a day.”
At publishing time, before returning the game for being defective at best and false advertising at worst, Quinton was talked into playing the game one more time. Reports indicate that this time Quinton won, and the game miraculously transformed back into a competitive, 400 I.Q. battle of wits.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns – so he’s a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.