KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.
“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”
While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.
“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, “But we’re asking for more time while the President looks for a bathroom scale large enough to do so.”
Eyewitnesses inside the Kremlin say Putin responded to Ukraine’s bold defensive move by tearing off his shirt, grabbing his Kalashnikov, and riding a bear toward the Ukrainian border.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns – so he’s a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.