DALLAS, TX—As more states pass laws promoting school choice, several reports have revealed that the most terrible, crappy schools are the ones most likely to oppose school choice for parents.

Local teachers from Cobb County Schools are frantically doing everything in their power to make sure that school choice is not implemented in their community. Looking out for the child’s best interests, they argue that students should have absolutely no say in where they go to public school.

“They are trying to defund public schools! They want all the kids to leave our school and go to other schools—but uh, not because those schools are any better.” said Peggy Layton laughing nervously. “With school choice, the kids will go wherever all the good teachers are, which is um…right here, with us… so uh we have nothing to worry about.”

Sources say the changes proposed by Governors around the nation are designed to empower families to make the best decision for their kids regardless of location or income. Teachers have responded stating that this dangerous decision will undermine education and is anti-children.

“For this school to survive we need everyone’s tax dollars, but again not because our school is terrible or anything,” Layton added. “We believe in funding systems, not students, because what do dumb students and their idiot parents know about schools? Only professional educators like us are suited to make these types of decisions.”

At publishing time, instead of working harder to inspire and educate the children, the frustrated underperforming teachers had all just joined a union so they could demand their salaries be quadrupled and continue teaching to empty classrooms.

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