WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a last-ditch effort to address the mounting immigration crisis on the U.S. southern border, President Biden has named Willow—the newest White House cat—as America’s border czar.

“Everyone deserves a chance at this thing, folks,” said Biden to a bust of Eleanor Roosevelt. “I already gave that black lady who claims to be my Vice President a chance, and she didn’t do squat. I’m not even sure where she is. It’s time someone else had a chance to solve this difficult problem. It’s the cat’s turn.” Biden then leaned over and sniffed the Eleanor Roosevelt bust’s bronze hair.

According to sources, Willow the grey short-hair tabby will be in charge of securing the border and finding somewhere to place the thousands and thousands of migrants. 

ICE agents are currently placing catnip along the border fence in hopes Border Czar Willow—unlike Kamala—will actually pay them a visit. 

As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.

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