CHICAGO O’HARE—Local businessman Garth Puttysmite had no idea his trip to the Central Division Homemade Soaps & Lotions Convention would include an hours-long search for his luggage due to the scores of illegal immigrants accumulating on the baggage claim carousel.

“I’ve been here all night just trying to get a glimpse of my suitcase,” said the frustrated traveler. “But all I see are poor, confused, exhausted immigrants who are now realizing Biden’s invitation to come to America was a little bit disingenuous.”

Airport representatives have recommended that all legal travelers book daytime flights to avoid the influx of migrants, as the Biden Administration’s numerous flights mostly occur under cover of darkness and as far away from the public as possible, for no reason whatsoever.

Puttysmite reportedly gave up searching the baggage carousel and approached the lost & found in hopes his suitcase would be there, but was told the lost & found had no luggage because it was already filled to the brim with young immigrant children.

As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.

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