HELL—Reports are coming out from the fiery underworld that even Adolph Hitler—the fascist dictator who is responsible for starting World War II and killing 6 million Jews—was caught by surprise when he heard Whoopi Goldberg’s comments that the holocaust he started was “not about race.”

“I was very explicit in my writings and speeches! I compared the Jews to rats and to germs! I appealed to social Darwinism and eugenics on a constant basis to justify everything I did for the master Aryan race! How could this Whoopi Goldberg not pick up what I was laying down!?” the mustachioed psychopath was overheard shouting in a thick German accent.

Hitler was sure to hear about Whoopi’s views on the Holocaust since no matter what channel or streaming service one flips to in Hell, the only program that comes through on every channel is The View. Theologians and scientists don’t understand quite how it works, but the only broadcast signal that penetrates the metaphysical barriers surrounding the realm of eternal fiery torment is ABC’s The View.

At publishing time, Hitler issued a statement strongly condemning Whoopi Goldberg’s crazy conspiratorial views that race had nothing to do with his actions and also to bring back his favorite host Meghan McCain.

As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.

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