TUSCON, AZ—Local man Sambo Gillschnoz slowly emerged from his home on Timrod St. yesterday afternoon to retrieve a sushi order that had been left on his porch, but only after he was absolutely sure the DoorDash driver had completely vacated the area.

Unfortunately for the hungry man, the delivery driver then decided to take a break, sitting in his car and playing Kingdom Rush on his phone for twenty minutes before finally leaving. By then, the sushi order was growing warm in the hot afternoon sun.

Neighbors claim Gillschnoz then slithered out of his home like a snake and slowly dragged the bag of food back into the shadows. When a car drove by he hissed violently and slammed his door.

“He’s become a ghost ever since COVID,” said next-door neighbor Margaret France. “He’s a nice guy, but he’s so pale now. He emerges only to grab DoorDash orders.”

DoorDash CEO Jimmy Dash describes no-contact delivery as one of the great advantages of their service. “Whether it’s due to irrational COVID fears or because our customers don’t know how to talk to real people, we are happy to enable their descent into social madness. It’s great for repeat business,” he commented.

Gillschnoz hasn’t been deterred by well-wishers and busybodies in his neighborhood. “I don’t know how people lived before COVID,” he mused over e-mail. “You had to talk to everyone!”

At publishing time, Sambo Gillschnoz was hospitalized for food poisoning.

Justin Trudeau just released this statement where he claims the truckers hate him because he’s a brave he/him of color, eh?

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