ATLANTA, GA—As CNN President Jeff Zucker and every other news anchor prepares to step down due to various disgusting allegations of criminal sexual perversion and adultery, the embattled fake news organization has announced that, to keep this from happening in the future, they will be replacing all anchors and leadership positions with Mike Pence.
“I’m truly humbled to serve as CNN’s new President, CEO, Primetime Anchor, Reliable Sources Anchor, Newsroom Anchor, Inside Politics Anchor, New Day Anchor, Situation Room Anchor, State of the Union Anchor, and Tonight Anchor,” said Pence. “I will do my best to restore dignity, trustworthiness, and marital fidelity to the Cable News Network.”
Sources say Pence will also serve as Executive Producer, camera operator, and makeup artist for each show.
“It’s too late for CNN to restore credibility to their disgraceful organization,” said Tucker Carlson on his show later that night. “Not even Mike Pence can save them.” Carlson then made a baffled expression at the camera for a full 10 minutes before bursting into uproarious laughter.
The Babylon Bee’s female politics reporter reached out to Pence for comment, but he refused to give a statement as his wife wasn’t present.
Justin Trudeau just released this statement where he claims the truckers hate him because he’s a brave he/him of color, eh?