NEW YORK—Following a slew of sexual misconduct allegations concerning staff,
CNN has been forced to take extreme action to repair their image. The interim president has announced that henceforward, all CNN employees must wear chastity belts at all times.
“I know everyone wants to sleep with me, Jim Acosta,” said Jim Acosta. “But this seems like overkill.”
“I have never done anything wrong, ever,” said Jake Tapper. “I’m not sure why this is necessary.”
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said Brian Stelter sporting his new metal chastity belt. “We take sexual misconduct seriously at CNN, that’s why we have all gladly locked ourselves away, lest we be tempted.”
“We considered a multitude of options, but none of them made as much sense as simply placing a giant cage and metal padlock over every employee’s genitals.” said new CNN interim President Michael Bass. “Some have called this measure overkill, and inconvenient—I call it necessary.”
The keys to the belts have all been given to their spouses for safekeeping. “I can’t tell what this move has done for our marriage,” said Brian Stelter’s wife. “Knowing that my Brian is not acting up in the office has given me tremendous peace of mind.”
At publishing time, CNN was forced to up their requirement to force all employees to wear straight jackets to prevent staff from getting ‘handsy’ in the breakroom.
Justin Trudeau just released this statement where he claims the truckers hate him because he’s a brave he/him of color, eh?