BEIJING—Olympian skier Väinö Mäkinen won a gold medal for Finland this morning after making an incredible jump over a concentration camp prison yard.
“After years of work, I’m very happy with my performance today,” said Mäkinen. “I do hope the Uyghur slaves got a great view of me as I sailed like a little birdie over the prison yard.”
Chinese officials were quick to point out that the Uyghur concentration camps do not exist, and that Mäkinen had likely just had a crazy hallucination during his euphoric flight. “Let me be clear,” said Chinese Propaganda Minister Xi Yang Xi. “There are no prison yards. We are not mistreating the Uyghurs. Uyghurs don’t even exist. Also, the Tiananmen Square massacre never happened. Väinö Mäkinen is very crazy. Very crazy.”
Väinö jumped 154 meters, beating out a Slovakian who fell in the yard and broke both legs. The Slovakian athlete is being nursed back to health after which he will work off his medical expenses by letting the Chinese government harvest a couple of organs he’s not using.
At publishing time, Väinö Mäkinen has disappeared after asking what goes on at the camp. “We don’t talk about Uyghurs,” claimed China’s Ministry of State Security.
Justin Trudeau just released this statement where he claims the truckers hate him because he’s a brave he/him of color, eh?