WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden Admin has announced plans for 500 million new masks which will be shipped out for free to U.S. residents. These masks will have a brand-new design feature: a small mouth hole so that people can easily smoke their government-issued crack pipes. 

“We are proud of our equity initiative to send out safe crack-smoking kits to people who desperately need them,” said Press Secretary Psaki. “Unfortunately, wearing masks can make smoking crack more difficult, which disproportionately affects mask-wearing crack-smokers of color. These new masks are meant to address that problem.” 

The new masks will feature a small mouth hole just large enough to accommodate a glass crack pipe so that crack smokers can smoke crack without removing their masks.

“We all want this pandemic to be over,” said Psaki, “so if we stay masked up while crack-smoking, we’ll all get through this together.”

The President has appointed his son Hunter Biden to oversee the distribution of both the crack pipes and crack masks.  

Watch as this Joe Rogan fan fruitlessly tries to get Alexa to play the Joe Rogan Experience.

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