ATLANTA, GA—According to reports, local man Wayne Simmons is having a smoothie for his lunch, despite him being a fully-grown adult man.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Greg Marvin, owner of the Tutti Frutti Smoothi Shop on Main Street. “We only ever see kids come in here with their parents, as smoothies are a yummy treat designed for small adorable children without the maturity to handle solid foods. When a full-grown man walked through the doors by himself and asked for a medium Strawberry Sunset Sugar Banana Suprise, we all froze.”
Witnesses say the man didn’t order any meat, vegetables, soup, bread, or cheese, which is what mature human adults typically eat for lunch.
“After he ordered his smoothie, he then sat down by himself, sipping on his little kid’s drink. Like a psychopath,” said Marvin with a shiver.
When reached for comment, the smoothie-drinker Wayne Simmons said “Yay! Smoothies are so yummy yummy!” while jumping up and down and clapping his hands. Authorities have been dispatched to Simmons’s residence to apprehend him for psychological evaluation.
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