TUCSON, AZ—Local family member Greg Jordan recently went on a wild weekend stretch of streaming terrible content while logged in as other family members on Netflix. Once other family members found out they were left with no choice but to disown him from the Jordan family entirely.

“Yeah I guess I didn’t realize I was logged in on my family’s carefully curated Netflix profile, ” said Greg Jordan. “I just don’t see what the big deal is. I mean—all I did was binge stuff like Gilmore Girls, 13 Reasons Why, and every single Adam Sandler from the last 10 years.”

“My algorithm may never recover from this. It now suggests that I watch things like the live-action Cowboy BeBop, Sexy Beasts, and Fuller House.” groaned Stacy Jordan while scrolling through her profile. “And no, Netflix, I am not interested in subpar storytelling, senseless action, or anime either.”

Greg Jordan has reportedly stated in his defense he only watched one random episode of Naruto, but apparently, that is enough to completely derail all quality recommendations for life. Faced with this devastating reality, the Jordan family has decided to disown Greg and make him pay for his own Netflix account.

The Jordan family stated that they considered all options before taking such drastic action. “Even after I created a new account, the Netflix algorithm still knows I’m related to Greg.” said his mother Casey Jordan. “Now instead of educational period pieces and stirring dramas, I get nothing with an IMDB rating above a 4.4. Thanks a lot, Greg!”

At publishing time, Greg had created his own Netflix account in shame to freely watch as much trash TV as he wanted. But unfortunately, he remembered that he still had his family’s login info for Hulu and immediately started watching The Equalizer starring Queen Latifah.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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