CANADA—Under orders from the Supreme Chancellor of the People’s Republic of Canada Justin Trudeau, all bank ATMs across the provinces will now require anyone attempting to withdraw money from their accounts to take a small quiz on their political beliefs.
“Let me be perfectly clear,” said Trudeau while standing in a puddle of his own urine. “Those with unacceptable views shouldn’t have money. These evil working-class people being allowed to buy things and eat is a threat to public safety and national security. Starting today, all ATMs will screen people for unacceptable views before they can withdraw funds.”
Questions asked by the ATM will include:
- How would you describe your political views?
- What are your pronouns?
- Do you think Trudeau is the most powerful and masculine leader ever?
- Do you, or have you ever, listened to Joe Rogan—and enjoyed it?
- What lives matter?
- Do you live on land stolen from indigenous peoples?
- Do you own a semi-truck?
- Do you worship any other god besides Trudeau?
According to sources, anti-mandate freedom protestors have already formed their own parallel economy trading in beaver pelts, maple syrup, and Bitcoin. Trudeau has promised to crush this parallel economy and make the remaining protestors bow to his divine will—as soon as he puts on a pair of dry trousers.
This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!