BOSTON, MA—Dozens of swimmers are dead and thousands of viewers have been traumatized as a Great White Shark named Tia was allowed to compete in the women’s 500-yard freestyle event at the Ivy League Swimming & Diving Championships Friday.
“Wow, this brave swimmer is really making a splash here,” said one commentator as the starting buzzer went off and the shark immediately thrashed through the pool, eating swimmers screaming for their lives. “Look at that form! It’s like she was biologically designed for this kind of thing.”
Tia continued to dominate heat after heating, wowing spectators with her speed, form, poise, and ability to maul anyone in the pool.
“What’s your secret?” asked a reporter after the event. She was promptly eaten.
The shark was awarded every medal and placement, as all the other swimmers were dead. The official who gave her the championship trophy was promptly eaten.
Anyone questioning the validity of Tia’s win will have their bank account frozen, be banned from Twitter, and put on an FBI watchlist.
Then, they will be promptly eaten.
This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!