ORLAND PARK, IL—Sources have confirmed local Christian John Madinsky is severely disappointed he has nothing to look forward to on Sundays, now that the NFL football season is over.

Madinsky says he wishes there were some kind of community he could gather with to discuss things of importance, share a meal, and hang out with people who share similar interests and passions, now that he’s unable to visit his favorite pub and watch nine hours of football every Sunday.

Reporters found Madinsky at a nearby sports bar, where he religiously gathers with fellow fans every Sunday after church to lift up praises for their favorite players. “I miss all of it,” said John. “From singing the anthem at the start of the game, to hearing the announcers explain the finer points of the sport, to confessing the poor decisions I made with my fantasy roster, to passing around the plate of Buffalo wings at halftime.”

“It’s such a communal experience!” he exclaimed, dipping a tortilla chip into a bowl of salsa and taking a bite. “My Sundays feel so empty now.”

“I guess I’ll have to wait until September to experience something so worshipful and uplifting,” he said longingly, as he pulled up an NFL draft projection website.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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