WASHINGTON, D.C.—Meeting in a top-secret, smoke-filled war room, U.S. generals agreed on a plan earlier this week to invade the foreign dictatorship known as “Canada” and establish a democracy there.
“Gentlemen, it’s time,” said General Butch “Meathead” Tanner of the U.S. Army as he munched a cigar. “We can’t let this evil, religious zealot Trudeau oppress his people any longer. It’s time to let freedom ring.”
“And by ‘let freedom ring’, of course, I mean ‘rain down an ungodly amount of explosives,'” he added. “I love democracy.”
A few generals urged caution, pointing out that getting involved in a land war in Canada was “one of the classic blunders,” though they were later shouted down as that’s actually land wars in Asia. Eventually, the vote was unanimous, and troops were mobilized along the Canadian border. Tanks began churning through the snow, running over moose and beavers, and F-22 Raptors screamed into Ottawa blasting away tons of bogeys, which were later revealed to be geese. Horrified Royal Mounties ran away from the combined arms assault, apologizing profusely.
Commander-in-Chief Joe Biden will be notified of the invasion at a later date, or whenever his nap time is over, whichever comes first.
At publishing time, it had been revealed that the plan all along was just to get their strategic reserves of maple syrup.
This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!