KHARKIV, UKRAINE—Ukrainian troops woke up this morning to find the entire Russian military had abandoned their positions and retreated back home. However, it appears the Russians have left behind a beautiful wooden horse as a gift for all their troubles. Cool! 

This information was confirmed by the Defence Ministry of the Russian Federation announcing that Russia was indeed undergoing a full scale retreat, except for their generous gift. 

“Wow–I really thought we were about to be embroiled in a bloody conflict for years to come. Glad that’s over!” said Dominic Paltrov, a Ukranian soldier. “Hey guys, a little help pulling this massive horse into our most vulnerable city center!” 

Sources claim once the horse arrived in Kyiv, everyone began to celebrate and drink heavily. “We avoided World War III! We avoided World War III!” the people shouted late into the night until everyone had either passed out or headed home.

At publishing time, 130,000 Russians popped out of the large wooden horse like Russian nesting dolls and sacked the city. 


This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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