BUCKINGHAM PALACE—Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II has tested positive for coronavirus, and rumors have circulated about her taking Ivermectin—a well-known horse medicine, as treatment. Despite their best efforts, Buckingham Palace has so far been unable to rein in all the gossip. 

The Crown has released a statement that the Queen is currently stable and that they are doing everything they can to take care of her so that she’s not saddled with too much responsibility.

Many have begun to worry that the Queen is stalling, and have insisted upon hearing that she’s okay directly from the horse’s mouth. When finally pressed for a response, the Queen bristled at the rumors of her taking Ivermectin horse paste and answered with a definitive “NAY!”

The Queen has insisted everyone hold their horses on all of these wild accusations. “Hay—I’m doing fine. I just have to pony up and get through this,” snorted the Queen. “I’m not one to have a long face. I’ll keep my spirits high and ride this night-mare out!”

At publishing time, her Doctor assured everyone that the Queen is doing just fine other than being a little hoarse and that she’s chomping at the bit to leave quarantine and resume her normal duties.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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