If you aren’t a straight white man who is getting into Harvard as a legacy admission because your mother is Elizabeth Warren, then you’re probably going to have to make some sacrifices. College is expensive!

Check out these eight brilliant ways to save money on your education to minimize your burden on society.

1) Save money on the internet by using the free wifi at Starbucks. Also, save money on an apartment by living at Starbucks: If you can, try and be homeless so you don’t have to keep buying coffee when the barista asks you why you’re still there.

2) Rent Good Will Hunting and then skip all the math classes because you’ve got it covered probably: Robin Williams is in it so I’m sure it’s pretty funny.

3) Remember that many of your essential organs come in pairs, and you only really need one of each: And don’t forget limbs! Who needs two legs?

4) Go to a party every single night and live off free pizza for 4 years: An unintended consequence is that you may end up failing all your classes.

5) Be a disabled Muslim transgender indigenous neurodivergent obese woman of color: Guaranteed free college! You may also consider a transition to female to secure a coveted sports scholarship.

6) Find another college student that looks like you, then murder them and steal their ID: It’s a dog-eat-dog world in the Liberal Arts program.

7) Just show up for classes without ever enrolling, classes are so big now the professors will never know: Make sure one of the classes is in calligraphy so you can forge your diploma later.

8) Vote for Biden! Oh, wait…: Better build a time machine and go back in time so you can rig the election for Bernie Sanders instead.

Good luck exploiting the education system and making all degrees meaningless! We’re rooting for you!

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