SALINA, KS—A convoy of truckers headed to D.C. to protest vaccine mandates ended today after only three miles on the road due to the high price of gas. 

“I financed my house and cashed in my retirement just to afford a few gallons of gas, and now I’m out of money,” said trucker Dale Crullers while chewing on some Skoal. “Biden’s been playing 4D chess months in advance to squash protests by making gas unaffordable. Well played, Brandon!”

The massive convoy of freedom-fighting truckers will now stay where they are indefinitely and blockade the Flying J truck stop by I-70 until Biden hears their pleas and lifts all federal COVID mandates. Travelers will have no access to essential fuel, beef jerky, or bargain bin DVDs until the blockade is lifted.

President Biden expressed disgust toward the Freedom Convoy once aides finished reminding him what the word “freedom” and the word “convoy” mean.

“Go home, Jack!” said Biden in a statement. “You think you’re gonna get freedom but Imma put y’all back in chains! Just like Corn Pop, man! Chain around his head! Freedom’s an alt-right slur! Listen man, just stop it!” Biden then tipped over like an ancient marble statue and shattered into 1000 pieces.

“We’ll stay here as long as it takes,” said Crullers. “And we’ll get more gas and get back on the road as soon as the financial support from our GoFundMe page goes through! FREEDOM!”

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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