SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Local cold-hearted man Kyle Halpert was described as a “monster” and a “heartless sociopath” after he gently turned down his wife’s request to pull over and adopt a family of raccoons on the side of the road Wednesday.

“AWWWW, BABE! Look, they’re SO SQUISHY!” said his wife, Holly. “I want them. Pull over, babe! BABE! PULL OVER!”

“I will love them and hold them and squeeze them forever and ever.”

The soulless sadist responded with a soft but firm, “Babe, we can’t just adopt every animal you see on the side of the road,” confirming his wife’s suspicions that he is a completely unreasonable, uncaring, and unfeeling human being with no heart or emotions to speak of. “They could be rabid. You might get rabies,” the total jerk continued.

The drive continued on in silence, with Holly sulking in the passenger seat, her mind filled with images of the poor raccoons being abandoned in the cold instead of living in her home, where they would be loved and cherished and look so incredibly cute.

At publishing time, the stone-hearted brute had refused to pull over and adopt a pack of coyote pups.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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