BETHESDA, MD—Sources within Lockheed Martin confirmed today that loud cheering was heard coming from the defense contractor’s executive board room.

The cheers coincided with the invasion of Ukraine by Russia, as multiple voices within the U.S. condemned the attack and suggested that America intervene in the dispute.

“YEEEEEAH!!!!” came a cry echoing through the building. The sounds of high-fives, pounding on the conference table, and a loud, thumping chest bump were also heard. At one point, a chant erupted of, “WAR! WAR! WAR!” Some employees claim they heard the sound of a champagne bottle being opened, while others say confetti poppers went off throughout the morning. 

One source said they heard a repetitive metal tapping sound, which was later confirmed to be the sound of sabers rattling, while another said she heard a loud, rhythmic booming, which was later confirmed to be war drums.

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that Lockheed Martin was throwing a free pizza party for all employees at their main offices.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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