MAR-A-LAGO, FL—As Russia invaded Ukraine last night, the world anxiously waited for an official statement from the One True President who would never let something like this happen and will fix everything: Donald Trump. 

In an exclusive interview with Fox News, Trump assured the world he will get everything under control.

“Sleepy Joe Biden is a total loser who doesn’t know what he’s doing,” said Trump to Laura Ingraham. “He’s plunging the world into chaos! Total disgrace. And on top of all that, he treated me very badly, by the way. Very badly. Unlike Putin, who was actually very nice to me and would never have invaded Ukraine if I was President, which I rightfully am.”

Ingraham then asked Trump what he plans to do about Russia’s invasion. 

“Well, I’m gonna be reinstated as President, first of all,” replied Trump. “Then we’re gonna do a deal. A really good deal with Putin. I’m the best at making deals. Biden doesn’t know deals like I do. And his son, Hunter! Have you seen him? What a beauty that guy is! Hunter was actually very nice to me but he’s a crackhead. Sad.” 

According to several sources, America and the rest of the world breathed a sigh of relief knowing a “strong, capable alpha” like Trump will soon be back in charge. 

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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