TAIWAN—Citizens of Taiwan reported today they were grateful to receive a free preview of the kind of thing that was going to happen to them in just a few short weeks thanks to America’s weakness on the world stage under President Biden.

People across the country tuned in for the exciting, free sneak preview of what China was going to do to them any day now, now that President Xi is sure that Biden has no backbone whatsoever.

“Welp—I guess we’d better prepare,” local man Huang Zhìháo said as he watched the Russian invasion of Ukraine on TV this morning. “This is gonna be bad.”

“At least we got this nice little teaser trailer though,” he added. “A lot of countries don’t get the privilege of seeing their future like this.”

According to sources, the Taiwanese were hopeful that Biden’s declarations that “America is back” and that he would go toe-to-toe with the world’s toughest leaders meant that Xi Jinping would be held back for another four years. But as soon as he botched the withdrawal from Afghanistan, they began to have their doubts. Finally, once they saw him take a long nap while Putin invaded Russia, they realized they were “completely and totally screwed.”

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that President Xi was also watching the footage with a sly smile on his face.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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