MOSCOW—The arms race between Russia and her enemies is escalating, as the superpower has just unveiled a tank that opens up to reveal smaller and smaller tanks. The variant of the classic T-90 tank has a groove cut right in the middle of it, and it has the ability to open up and release a slightly smaller tank. Then, enemies of Russia will be totally surprised as that second tank proceeds to open up and release a third tank, which will release another one, and so on.

“They will never see this coming,” said one Russian general chomping on a cigar in a dark war room. “They’ll simply think there is one tank attacking them, and then, surprise! Another tank. Just think of the look on our enemies’ faces when they think there are no more tanks, and then, pop! Another tank. It is funny because they do not expect it. And because they are small.” The other generals chuckled.

Russia acknowledged that the smaller tanks start to become “fairly harmless” but said they just had to include them because they’re “just so cute” and “really boost our comrades’ spirits.”

The tanks are also green and rely on renewable energy, as they run entirely on the readily available Russian resource of vodka.

At publishing time, Russia had also unveiled a new supersoldier that was actually just three shorter Russian soldiers stacked on top of each others’ shoulders inside a trenchcoat.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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