OTTOWA—A distraught Justin Trudeau was seen gulping down maple syrup between effeminately jealous tirades after learning another dictator had taken all of his press coverage by invading Ukraine.

The prime minister was reportedly distraught as he turned on the TV and saw that all the news coverage was focused on Putin’s authoritarian reign instead of his authoritarian reign.

“It’s just not fair, eh!” said the Canadian Dictator while weeping into his soft, supple, delicate hands. “I invoked emergency powers and used physical violence to silence opposition just like the other guys, and all I got was a few days of fame? What’s all that aboot, eh?”

Trudeau was reported to have felt reassured to hear from aides that Putin had probably decided to invade Ukraine out of jealousy of Trudeau’s non-stop press coverage while destroying the lives of the working class who just wanted an end to unrealistic, unscientific, unconstitutional vaccine mandates. Trudeau’s spirits were also boosted after he heard he had inspired China’s Xi Jinping to plan an attention-seeking grab for Taiwan in the upcoming days, but he also realized the need to step up his own dictatorial game to stay relevant. 

At publishing time, Trudeau had ordered platoons of Canadian Mounties to the Wisconsin border in a bid to regain the spotlight.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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