TAIPEI CITY—Having watched as Russian tanks rolled through Ukraine while nobody came rushing to their defense, the Taiwanese government today released an official statement acknowledging that they are “totally screwed”. 

“I mean, why lie?” said the President of Taiwan, Tsai Ing-wen. “We were hoping America would use diplomacy and a strong military as a deterrent against aggressors, but once Biden got in office, we realized we were toast.”

“The invasion of Ukraine just confirmed for us just how toast we are. Lol. We are totally screwed.”

Government officials have begun cleaning out their desks, as well as rolling out a nice red carpet for the tanks to drive on. Pictures of Xi have been hung on official buildings, especially the ones the Taiwanese would prefer to not be blown up. All ethnic and religious minorities have been encouraged to host one last family reunion before they are mercilessly torn apart.

“Sure it’s sad, but it makes you appreciate the little things,” said local resident Chun Hung. “It’s like that American song ‘Live Like You Were Dying’. I’m going to finally take a vacation, try sailing, maybe sky-dive if they haven’t shut down our airspace! Why not? We’re completely, utterly screwed.”

At publishing time, President Biden had publicly stated 43 times that China was about to take over Taiwan and that, as a matter of fact, they were really screwed.

This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!

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