WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a White House bathroom, President Biden was heard saying “The state of the Union is strong” over and over again, trying to get the words without busting up laughing.

The President had gone into the bathroom about thirty minutes prior and spent the whole time trying to get the whole sentence out without laughing about how ridiculous and obviously untrue it was.

“The state… of the Union… is… I’m sorry, I can’t do this!” Biden said, cracking before he got the words out. “It’s too much!” Biden began wiping tears out of his eyes. “How am I supposed to get through this? At least we’ll have a good blooper reel! Oh, man. It’s just such a riot. Even I know the Union isn’t strong. And I can’t even wipe myself!”

“Oh, man. My speechwriters are hilarious.” Biden tried tactics like saying sad phrases such as “shoveling dead puppies” and looking up videos of Afghans falling from planes, but it didn’t work. The videso in particular didn’t make him sad, as he said it had happened “four or five days ago, man.” Still, Biden tried hard to get the words out.

“My cheeks hurt from laughing so much. OK, take 371. Let’s get this done.”

At publishing time, Biden was practicing saying all his numbers from one to ten without stumbling over his words. It was not going well.

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