SANTA MONICA, CA—An LA County traffic report has revealed that the traffic-congested freeway lane you just left is now moving freely again. Your current lane is jammed, but the previous lane is moving so fast that you can’t switch back without dangerously steering into a speeding vehicle.

Sources confirm that you are stuck in traffic and will probably be late for work and get fired and then lose your family and be homeless.

Traffic experts speculate a majority of car owners spend at least half their life sitting in traffic if they live within fifty miles of a major metropolitan area. Of this group, a further thirty percent are doomed to change lanes in futility as they attempt to will their way out of the sluggish morning rush.

Are you one of them? No. You are doomed forever to wallow in a nightmare of exhaust and noise pollution. Your phone is dead and your radio is busted. The only thing left to you now is the haunting sound of car horns. In the distance, you hear sirens and you think there may be a cause to the traffic you’ve found yourself in. But no, there isn’t. This freeway is congested just because it exists.

Wait—the lane on your right is beginning to move. Now’s your chance to break free from this hellish curse of modern civilization. Today, your life begins!

Update: The lane you were just in is moving again and you are once again trapped with no hope of escape.

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