BOSTON, MA—Catholics around the world are taking advantage of the day after Ash Wednesday to easily identify which of their friends and neighbors don’t shower.
“I don’t understand it,” said local Catholic Steve O’Brien, sporting a slightly smudged ash cross on his unwashed forehead. “I showed up to work today after a morning at the gym and people seem to be avoiding me. No one has shaken my hand or even walked within 6 feet of me. Is it COVID again? Is that why? What’s going on?
The CDC is urging citizens to keep a sharp eye out for people with the telltale grey “X” and avoid contact with those people at all costs. “It’s important everyone do this to protect the public health,” said CDC Director Walensky. “Those people are—to put it scientifically—straight-up NASTY. Don’t get their funky stank all up on you. Ew.”
According to sources, O’Brien is still clueless as to why he’s being shunned. “I guess they just don’t like Catholics,” he said. “Maybe this is just my cross to bear as a persecuted follower of Jesus.”
O’Brien then left for the breakroom to microwave some fish.
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