UNITED STATES—As the nation’s police departments have received much-needed funding following a dangerously underfunded year, economists are reporting a surge in donut sales.
“The streets will be safer now that our force has the funds to fight crime,” mumbled local police chief, Lieutenant O’Reilly McFritter while chomping on a bear claw. “We are already using the funds to secure vital resources that have been sorely lacking in our department. Morale is already—gulp—way up.”
This so-called “Re-Fund the Police” movement is also serving as a great recruitment tool for police forces that have suffered massive officer shortages due to increased hostility toward cops or overreaching health mandates. For example, state police agencies are reporting that former cops who were fired for being unvaccinated are now rushing to get the jab before rushing to down an assorted dozen.
When asked if any of the increased funds would be used to improve the safety of local communities ravaged by crime, Lt. McFritter nodded while inhaling his fourth blueberry cake donut with sprinkles, “Yes, we’re already putting our cops through a special equity course to train them to shoot more white people.”
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