GIBSON FALLS, CA—Meteorological reports indicate the morning lasted approximately two hours longer than usual on Thursday. The astonishing phenomenon appears to be linked to a local man’s belated rush for a Chick-fil-A breakfast sandwich.
“The Lord has blessed me continually. He has caused the sun to remain still in the sky so that I can grab a wholesome and holy breakfast,” said Joshua Jasher.
According to sources, Jasher works nights as a security guard and always gets off work after breakfast hours have ended. Earlier, before the sun had risen for the day, Jasher reportedly got down on his knees and pleaded with the sovereign God of the universe that he might be able to taste a Chick-fil-A® Chicken Biscuit.
Representatives of NASA have confirmed that the morning hours lasted longer than usual but would not confirm any alleged faith-based reasoning.
“There is a very natural explanation for why the earth stood still today. We just don’t know the reason yet,” said Dr. Miles Starkiller, a leading astrophysicist. “It may even have been aliens.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson took to Twitter to remind everyone that the sun didn’t literally stand till. “Actually, the earth must have stopped moving,” he tweeted. “Also, a longer day has no significance to the cosmos. And this is all meaningless and you will die and go to nothingness.”
This woman is an angry feminist — but she’s quickly changing her tune as World War 3 starts and she faces the possibility of getting drafted.