MAR-A-LAGO CLUB—Former President Donald Trump is hosting a press conference to announce that he has in fact beaten Elden Ring without dying a single time. Trump sat down and explained how he effortlessly completed the latest game by From Software—notorious for its difficulty—on his first try.
“The Elden Ring. Such a beautiful, big ring don’t you think? I easily won against all my enemies and beat the game—totally and completely—without dying a single time,” said Trump. “I really don’t see what the big deal was. Everyone said, ‘No, don’t do it Trump, you’re gonna have a bad time. You’re gonna have a bad time.’ But instead, it wasn’t even hard!”
The gathered crowd gasped in wonder at the announcement.
“It’s simple really. You just have to get good,” Trump continued. “No idea why everyone had so much trouble. Sad! To all the haters and losers out there—and believe me, there are so many out there, I just want to say I won that game just like I won the 2020 election—effortlessly and by a landslide.”
Those in attendance say that Trump eventually admitted that he almost didn’t beat the game and go on to become the Elden Lord. Trump stated that he was winning and winning like never before and there was so much winning he got tired of all the winning, but ultimately, he couldn’t stop until he’d won it all.
“By the time the game was over, I didn’t even need to level up. I had millions and millions of runes. Clean, perfect little runes,” Trump continued. “It was a tremendous playthrough really. Some people are even calling it the greatest playthrough of all time.”
This clever husband has found a way to avoid all his responsibilities: he just deflects blame onto Vladimir Putin. Smart!