WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden’s teleprompter resigned suddenly on Wednesday, citing a toxic work environment. The teleprompter notified the press in a public statement.

The teleprompter reportedly discussed its role in speech writing, preparation, and delivery. It also commented on alleged abuse from the president in the form of inappropriate touching and verbal abuse.

“I can’t take it anymore,” the teleprompter read. “I give him everything he needs to say and he still ignores me. He goes off-script and talks absolute nonsense. It’s humiliating!”

“Do you know what it’s like to be completely ignored?”

According to sources, representatives from CNN began crying.

Peter Doocy of Fox News was in attendance at the announcement. “Sir, we’ve only just become aware that teleprompters are sentient beings. Can you tell us a little about that?”

Words on the teleprompter appeared in all caps: “SIR? DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER? THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER! I CAN’T EVEN—”

On Wednesday evening, CNN’s Don Lemon discussed the teleprompter on his nightly show. “The teleprompter appeared to speak English but definitions are fluid,” he said. “It is uncertain exactly how the teleprompter feels about President Biden.”

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

This clever husband has found a way to avoid all his responsibilities: he just deflects blame onto Vladimir Putin. Smart!

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