WASHINGTON, D.C.—As more details come to light regarding Hunter Biden’s corrupt practices in China and Ukraine that compromised national security and enriched the Biden family, President Biden is now walking back previous claims that Hunter is his son.
“Hunter? No, I’ve never heard of the guy!” said Biden to a potato he mistook for Don Lemon. “I don’t have a kid! Are you crazy? I’ve never had a kid, Jack! I don’t even have a family! I’m a lone, free ranger! You try and tell me I have a kid and Imma wrap this chain around your head!”
In a later press conference, Press Secretary Jen Psaki clarified that while Hunter is technically Biden’s son, Biden has never met or spoken to him or been associated with him in any way. “There can be no corruption in the Biden family because there is no Biden family,” she said. “And the President has never done anything wrong, ever.”
Sources in the White House say Hunter has been barred from entry to the President’s homes in D.C. and Delaware. Luckily for Hunter, Beijing has offered him a home to live in until his mansion in Ukraine is repaired.
In this internal meeting at Twitter, two new employees learn the ropes of who gets banned and who gets to stay on.