HELL, MI—Local toddler Jonah Bardem nearly died Friday morning after attempting to eat all the marbles. According to sources, the child’s guardian angel has grown increasingly frustrated with the hyper youth and wishes the kid would chill for just a minute.

“I’m so exhausted,” said Macroprosopus, an angel with four heads and interconnected golden wheels with eyes all around while donning his unassuming guy-with-golden-halo disguise for the cameras. “I love Jonah but this kid will not stop getting into trouble. Last week he tried to drink some bleach under the sink. I don’t even know how he got in there. The whole house is child-proof!”

Macroprosopus agreed to speak with child protective services after Jonah showed up to daycare with light bruising.

“Look, he got himself stuck in the pool gate. He didn’t drown. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a major win,” said the weary angel, his voice a multitude of waters crashing down on the earth.

While speaking with child services, Macroprosopus was interrupted when Jonah shoved a crayon up his nose and into his brain.

“Ugh, give me a break, Jonah! —hey, don’t write that down.”

Social workers prayed fervently and had the distressed angel replaced by the Archangel Gabriel. He had felt the assignment was beneath his station until Jonah’s parents turned on Disney Plus.

“NOOOOOOOO!” screamed Gabriel, his voice rolling on the waves of reality and splintering the minds of sinful men.

At publishing time, the city’s entire electrical grid mysteriously shut down and Jonah was forced to play with wooden blocks.

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